


My Soft Boyfriend

by AmiAttemptsToWrite



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Ash is suffering what else is new, Boyfriends, Boys Kissing, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Nightmares, eiji is there for him what else is new
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-07 00:28:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18399434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmiAttemptsToWrite/pseuds/AmiAttemptsToWrite
Summary: He snuggled Ash further into his chest and Ash felt gentle, tender kisses showering him in so many wonderful emotions only Eiji could make him feel."Like I said," whispered Eiji, "I love my soft boyfriend."Eiji comforts Ash after a bad nightmare.





	My Soft Boyfriend

He could feel it. The hands. Hands touching him everywhere.

He couldn't see their faces, he never could, but he could feel their disgusting, rough touches, stroking his back, his stomach, touching his legs, kissing him on the mouth, calling him a beautiful whore.

They were laughing maniacally. Ash couldn't move. He wanted to scream, he wanted to put up a fight, and yet he remained laying down, pinned on the bed by twisted monsters.

They laughed and laughed, watching him squirm and cry under their touch. One of them took off his pants and underwear and Ash knew what was coming.

"P-please," he whispered into the darkness. "Please God, help me," he pleaded.

"Ash," said one of them, gripping his shoulders.

"NO!" Ash screamed at the top of his lungs, terror overtaking him, body bolting to a sitting position. His head collided painfully with something hard, making him yelp in pain.

In the darkness of the room, it was hard to tell what it was. His eyes snapped open, his breathing erratic and uneven, body drenched in sweat.

 _'Nightmare,'_ he reasoned with himself. _'It was just a fucking nightmare.'_

He felt so filthy. He could feel their touches lingering all over his body. He thought no amount of scrubbing in the shower would make that horror go away.

He needed air. He wanted to cry over how dirty and used he felt, how suffocating it was to have your own mind replay memories so dark and twisted it would make a person sick to their stomach.

"O-ow," mumbled a familiar voice, startling him.

_'Eiji?'_

"Eiji? Eiji, are you okay? Where are you?" Ash sobbed, frantically feeling around the darkness with his hands in search of his lover.

"I'm okay, don't worry, baby," he heard him say softly. He felt a familiar warm hand flutter over his. The only hand that didn't make him feel used, that didn't demand, didn't take by force. It was the kindest, most loving hand that ever touched him. "I'm right here, sweetheart," Eiji whispered into the darkness.

Ash could make out the silhouette of another person in his bed now, as his eyes were getting used to the darkness. He could make out the shape of bed hair, round cheeks and a weak smile.

He was home. He was safe.

"E-Eiji -" he managed to squeeze through his throat.

_Filthy._

He felt so filthy he couldn't speak.

"Shh baby, you're okay," came a gentle response. "Can I touch you?"

He always asked. Eiji always, always asked. Because he cared and wanted Ash to know he had a choice.

Except, Ash didn't know what to do with that choice now.

"I- I -" he was struggling to get the words out. He started shaking involuntarily, the nightmare induced sweat now cooling on his skin.

"It's okay," Eiji repeated. "You're going to be alright, baby. You can pull through this."

Ash buried his face in his hands. He felt hot tears streaming down his face, the nightmares, the rape, the killings, the lack of sleep, Eiji's kindness all getting mixed up in his head and flowing right out of his eyes.

"I-I d-don-don't know -" he sobbed and shivered, barely getting the words out. He tucked his knees to his chest in an attempt to make himself small.

He was a dirty whore and a ruthless killer. He took a look at his hands through teary eyes, expecting to see them dripping with blood.

"Baby," Eiji whispered softly, reminding him of his presence. "Breathe Ash, you have to breathe sweetheart," he kept saying, over and over, in an attempt to calm Ash down, still not touching him.

Minutes passed with Ash sobbing into his hands and Eiji whispering reassurance in his ears.

"Ash, what do you need right now?"

"I-I don't know, _fuck_ , Eiji I'm such a mess -"

"Would you like some water? And some air?" Eiji suggested.

It took Ash a long moment to register what Eiji asked him. He nodded his head, his movements small and exhausted. His head felt like it was about to explode.

"P-painkiller, too," he said, his voice strained.

He felt more than saw Eiji get off the bed. He slipped out of the room and wandered into their kitchen, rummaging through the cabinets. He was back in record time, carrying a glass of water and a pill. He handed the items to Ash carefully and, giving him some space, moved to open their balcony.

A cool night breeze was welcome, even though Ash was shivering from the cold. Forcing himself to breathe evenly, he breathed in and then out, painfully slowly, his heartbeat drumming in his ears. He gulped down the glass of water and the pill with it and felt the matress sink a little when Eiji joined him on the bed.

Ash couldn't find his words.

He felt he should say something. A "Thank you", or an "I can't talk now" or _anything_ , but the words just wouldn't come out.

Eiji was looking at him with worry etched into his face. Ash felt terrible for making him feel like that.

"Ash," he started gently, keeping his tone low. He was always gentle with Ash, regardless of the time, place, or circumstance. "Baby you're shaking. Can I wrap you in a blanket?"

He was so nice. And kind. And caring. Ash wanted to cry.

He could only nod his head, wiping tears off his face. He heard a rustling of sheets and felt a thick blanket cover his shoulders and back. Eiji moved in front of him, keeping both ends of the blanket in his hands and slowly wrapped them around Ash, tucking them in at his sides.

"There," said Eiji. "Now you look like a blond burrito."

Ash blinked at him. _'Burrito?'_ He chuckled, his voice coming out in shaky breaths.

"Thanks, Eiji," he managed to squeeze through his throat. He saw Eiji reach for their bedside lamp. He turned it on, and the bright light coming from it stung Ash's eyes.

Once his eyes got used to the light, he took another look at Eiji. There was a growing red blotch on his forehead. Without stopping to think about it, Ash reached a shaky hand to touch the reddening skin. Eiji flinched at the contact a little.

"Did I - did I do this?" Ash asked, even though he knew the answer. He just didn't want to believe that years after everything with street gangs and Dino happened, he was _still_ hurting the one person he truly cared about. He hated the thought. He hated that he was only causing pain to someone as sweet as Eiji.

Eiji smiled at him tiredly. "It was an accident, baby. Don't worry about it."

"How can I _not_ worry when I just keep hurting you?" Ash asked, his eyes starting to water again. He hated it. He hated it. He hated himself and his nightmares, he hated how difficult he was to love and how he only brought Eiji pain. He hated it, hated it.

"That's not true. You were having a bad dream and you accidentally hit me in the face. I was trying to wake you up and I didn't move out of the way in time," he explained, spreading his arms wide. "You didn't mean it, so it doesn't matter," he said, smiling and slowly, carefully wrapping his arms around him, pulling him in for a hug.

He slowly pulled Ash towards him, inch by inch, until Ash was resting his face on Eiji's chest. Everything Ash wanted to say, about himself and about hurting Eiji died on his lips. He was so warm, so cozy and welcoming, Ash felt like he could cry again. Ash let his eyes close and felt his breathing evening out as he listened to Eiji's heartbeat.

Eiji started stroking his hair and massaging his temple before placing a small kiss on it. Ash felt a smile tug at his lips. Eiji kissed him so gently and held him so tenderly he wanted to melt into him.

He felt minutes dragging by as he relaxed, painfully slowly, in Eiji's arms. Eiji had the power to chase away his worst demons and his most gruesome nightmares. He had no idea how much time had passed with Eiji stroking his hair and kissing his head before he finally managed to speak.

"I'm dirty," he said, voice barely above a whisper. "I hate it, Eiji."

Eiji tightened his grip around him. "No, you're not."

"I always end up hurting you. I never, ever want to - but it always, _fucking always_ ends up happening."

"No, baby, you don't. Look at me," said Eiji, tilting his head so Ash would look him in the eye. He smiled at Ash and flicked his nose with his finger. "I love you. I don't mind taking care of my little boyfriend."

"But -" Ash started, only to have Eiji put his index finger on his lips, shushing him.

"No buts. I love you, and I will help you get through this. We will do it together," he said and put his hand on Ash's tear-soaked cheek. He carressed it with his thumb, wiping away the tears. Ash closed his eyes and soaked up the warmth and the tenderness Eiji was giving him.

"You know," said Eiji, "one day, you will see yourself like I see you."

Ash opened his eyes slowly and snuggled into Eiji's chest further. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Eiji smile softly.

"You have gentle touches," he said, and kissed Ash's forehead. Ash felt his cheeks flush and he buried his face in the crook of Eiji's neck. "Kind words," he kept rubbing Ash's back soothingly. Ash felt his heart flutter. "And most importantly," Eiji squeezed a hand between them and under Ash's blanket. He put it over his heart, "a soft heart. You're soft all over, actually."

Ash wanted to cry, for the millionth time that night. Eiji's words made his heart soar and fill with emotions he couldn't describe. Whenever he felt like a burden and like he was a lost cause, there was Eiji, kind, loving Eiji, to tell him he was wrong and kiss him to feel better.

Eiji moved the hand that was hovering over his heart and found Ash's hand that was gripping the blanket far too tightly. He took it in his own and rubbed at the back of it, helping Ash relax his grip. When Ash let go of the blanket, Eiji brought his hand to his lips and placed a kiss on the knuckles. "See? Your hands are soft," he said. "Your cheeks are soft, too. And your belly and your arms, because you refuse to exercise with me."

Ash chuckled at the familiar teasing. Eiji was trying so hard to make him feel better and lighten his mood up. He felt a tear roll down his face. How was he supposed to respond to that?

"Hey, don't cry, baby, don't cry," Eiji tried soothing. "I love my soft boyfriend," he said and leaned down to give Ash a kiss. It was light and chaste, just a peck on the lips, enough to offer a little love and comfort. Ash felt his eyes closing as he surrendered himself to Eiji's kisses.

Eiji pulled him back into his arms, letting his head rest on his chest. He kept kissing him softly, on the top of his head, his forehead, his cheeks, his lips, anywhere he could reach. Ash found himself smiling and melting into Eiji's kisses. He felt so loved, so protected, so treasured and he never wanted to leave Eiji's embrace.

"My little burrito," Eiji said at one point, pinching his cheeks. "You know I love you, right?"

Ash nodded his head. He reached up and kissed Eiji's lips, as softly and tenderly as he could muster.

"I know. I love you too. More than... more than you can imagine," said Ash, feeling small. He never learned how to convey what he felt towards Eiji by words. Not that those feelings could be described, anyway. Ash was hoping he could make up for the lack of eloquency with his actions instead.

"I appreciate everything you do for me, you know?" Ash said, his voice shaky. He wasn't used to talking about his feelings. "I... I know it's hard, Eiji. I'm so-"

"Don't you dare apologize," Eiji interrupted. "Don't you dare," he chided. "I love you, and I will always look after you. No matter how hard it gets."

"I don't want to burden you," Ash said, gripping Eiji's pajama top. "I feel helpless and I _hate_ it, Eiji, I _hate_ everything about it," he said, feeling another surge of tears coming up. "I just want to be good to you," he said, swallowing hard, "like you're good to me."

"You are, sweetheart. I love you," said Eiji and wiped Ash's tear away with his thumb. He leaned in to give him a kiss on the forehead and ruffle his hair affectionately. "You're always good to me. And you're doing so much better than you were before. I know it's been hard for you to live normally," said Eiji with a sigh. "But I also know you're putting in a lot of effort to help me out, despite how bad you feel."

Ash opened his mouth to speak, but Eiji interrupted. "You should give yourself more credit, baby," he said, rubbing his back. "Do you think I don't notice how our apartment is always clean? And how I never have to fold our clothes? And how there is always a note for me on the fridge if you go out before I return from work? Do you really think," he squeezed Ash's reddening cheeks, "I haven't noticed?"

"But, those are small chores, it's not-"

"It's not nothing, Ash. It means a lot to me, too. I'm not the only one looking out for his boyfriend in this house," said Eiji and gave Ash a wink. Ash's cheeks flushed. He hadn't really expected praise for what he secretly did around their apartment. He was an idiot to think that he could _actually_ hide it from the love of his life.

"Baby?"

"Yeah, Eiji?"

"I think you should see something," said Eiji. He moved one hand away from Ash to reach for his nightstand drawer and Ash already felt cold at the loss of contact. He saw Eiji fish out a desk-size calender and start flipping the pages backwards.

Ash knitted his eyebrows. He didn't remember seeing that calender anywhere around the house before.

"See this?" Eiji pointed at January. The entire month had little red crosses on almost every day. There were several days here and there that weren't crossed out, but most were. Eiji was obviously marking something.

"What's that?" Ash asked.

"All this crossed out days are days on which you had nightmares."

Ash couldn't believe his ears. He had no idea they were that common back then. He had *no idea* Eiji was taking note of them.

Ash felt like a bus hit him. How did this escape his notice? How come he didn't see Eiji writing them down?

"As you can see," said Eiji, bringing him back to reality, "back in January, they were really common. But here," he said and started flipping the pages again until he reached the current month they were in, October, "since the beginning of this month, you had three. Only three, not counting this one. Baby," Eiji said with tears of pride welling his eyes. "I'm so, so proud of you, Ash. You came so far from where you were, and you didn't even notice."

"But _you_ did," said Ash happily. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Someone was proud of him? _Eiji_ was proud of him? He felt exhilirated and happy, he felt like he could launch himself off the ground and fly because _Eiji was proud of him_ and _he was recovering_. He was getting better. He was healing.

"Thank you, Eiji," Ash said truthfully. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," he mumbled as he threw himself back in Eiji's arms and kissed the crook of his neck. "What would I do without you, Eiji? God, I love you so much, I love you Eiji -" he rambled on and on, and Eiji just kept rubbing his back and giggling at him.

He snuggled Ash further into his chest and Ash felt gentle, tender kisses showering him in so many wonderful emotions only Eiji could make him feel.

"Like I said," whispered Eiji, "I love my soft boyfriend."


End file.
